why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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