I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
