Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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