my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
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