I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
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