i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
The uberlube is also flammable
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
