I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Randomize
