Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
