My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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