my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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