Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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