I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
