You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize