At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Semen is not good for contacts.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
