and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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