so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
