my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
