Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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