Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
