you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize