i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
