Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
