why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
