Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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