I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize