His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
