i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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