god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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