my mouth tastes like poor choices
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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