i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
