ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
