I feel great
I just peed on a car
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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