Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
