Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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