he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
