I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
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