I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
