Kiss
Puke
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
