And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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