you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
