My girlfriend figured out who you are.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You're a waste of cheezeits
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Randomize
