Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
