Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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