Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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