you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
