I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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