this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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