The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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