Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
