How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
