This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
