Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i dont even know how to be here
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
