The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize