I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
tell me about the eggs
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
