i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
