well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
