Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
