i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
