conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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