Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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