She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
