Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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