I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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