She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
