Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
