forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
