Plan B is the new Plan A
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
