I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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