youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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