my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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