I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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